Orchid Rehab
By Annie Spiegelman

For years I've been awkwardly baffled and shamefully intimidated by orchids. They've always seemed so pretentious, high maintenance and smug. They reminded me of the spoiled Park Avenue prom queen who never had to worry about acne or boyfriends. In contrast, my giant sunflower, Mexican sage, Cosmos and Shasta daisies learned about life on the other side of the tracks. They learned early on what it took to survive in an every-man for-himself world. Rather than maid service and a hot breakfast in bed, they're accustomed to waking each morning to the hoarse yelling of my next-door neighbor, "For crying out loud, JIMMY! GET THE HELL OUT OF BED!" Ah, the sweet sounds of my suburban-hood. I can only imagine the indignity my English roses must endure as they cry out for a proper British accent to console them.

There comes a time, however, in the life of every dedicated gardener when they are challenged to learn new horticultural skills. With age I'm learning to face my fears and in doing so I decided to consult Orchid specialist, Susie Turner at Green Door Design, to learn about orchids and the strange mysterious world of epiphytes.

There are over 25,000 species of orchids. Many of them are epiphytic meaning they grow from the bark of trees or rocks, as air plants. (See, I told you they were weird!) They don't like to sit in water, and in fact, don't need much water. "The number one mistake people make is over-watering their orchids. I recommend taking the orchid to the sink, let water run through for a few seconds, drain and return to its decorative container,"says Suzie. " Water orchids once every one to two weeks, depending on the size of the plant, the potting medium, the time of year and the home environment. Too much water will rot the roots. Always ask about watering when you buy an orchid."

I was slowly beginning to see the light. I liked the idea that orchids are low maintenance, needing only indirect light and sparse water to survive. I also admired the orchids resourcefulness and resiliency in that some species don't even require soil to bury their feet. I was starting to believe I could learn to love orchids and their peculiar ways. But then Turner said something that made my inner demon child gulp. "Once an orchid blooms for a few weeks, it goes dormant and may not spike for another year. Another year - what's with that? Alas, this was the orchid's fateful flaw. One must possess "patience" when growing orchids.

I was about to impatiently abandon my whole epiphyte idea when I peaked out my office window and saw hundreds of baby buds on the Cecile Brunner climbing rose. They too, bloom only once a year, and only for a month. Their heavenly scented pink blossoms make you believe for one transcendent and intoxicating moment that the entire world is pink, flowery and rose scented. So maybe, deep down inside the over-opinionated, over-caffeinated dark abyss of my inner being, I do have a shred of 'patience' after all.

Okay, Orchid Lady, I'm back in the game! But tell me now what is this witchcraft you perform to bring a dormant orchid back from the . . . dead? Turner claims that you can put an orchid in a greenhouse, pampering it a bit, sort of like "rehab", for many months till it spikes again. Soon after it will bloom again! This could take nine-months or longer.

May we all breathe in patience and breathe out our type-A-ness.

For us orchid neophytes, some easy orchids are the Phalaenopsis orchid (moth orchid) which is probably the most suited and adaptable orchid to keep in a home environment. It often re-blooms with minimal effort. Other beginner orchids are Paphiopediums (lady slipper orchid) or the Cymbidium, the large flower orchid that you find outdoors in many Mediterranean climates. It's better to plant outdoor cymbidiums in containers and not in the soil where they can stay too wet. I'm not quite sure if I'm sold yet on trying orchids. You go first!

Raised in the asphalt jungle of New York City, Annie Spiegelman moved to the Bay Area over ten years ago and became a passionate environmentalist and Master Gardener. She is the author of two previous books on gardening (and life). Annie's Garden Journal: Some Thoughts on Roses, Life, Weeds, and Men (Carol Publishing, 1996) was a selected Borders Books title by promising new writers and her second, Growing Seasons: Half-baked Garden Tips, Cheap Advice on Marriage and Questionable Theories on Motherhood was published in 2003 by Seal Press/Avalon Publishing Group. She is presently working on her third book entitled "The Dirt Diva's Almanac." Visit Annie at http://www.dirtdiva.com

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